I spend a lot of time thinking about stuff. Stuff that happened over the last two years. But no matter how much I think, I never come with a suitable way to pen down my frivolous thoughts. Okay, now let's have sneak peak what the last two years have been for me and how I evolved.
Well, to be very truthful I had experiences, made friends, went places but the only change I went through was that I started to love being alone. Being alone but still not being left alone. That's something I'll always hate, being ditched in any way. I realised the biggest folly of my life! Technically, it wasn't the 'mistake of my life', just something everybody goes through in High School. I was a silly stupid girl who loved being around and being there for people who didn't really reciprocate. But what I didn't realise then was that how the small things that happened or did not take course would effect me at the end of the most memorable school year of my life.
I realised the most important thing about life. The stark fact that things seem at their best before they come crashing down to small pieces and every piece hurts you. So in my case it was the year when I was closest to people I cared about the most and was being cared about too which was just bliss for me. I now think why that was. And the best part was I was finally making friends out of the circumference of people I had surrounded myself with. But that didn't work out that well I suppose. I guess I was not really allowed to adjust my priority list of people while others did it all the time with me being there when the top post was vacant for a while due to reasons I could never figure out. Cliff notes version, I am the back up plan while I am not even allowed to rant about it! As the year set, people just woke up and realised I don't need them in my life and I'm better off alone. So, I'm left on my own. At least, I was told it was that ways. One can let it go if just one knows the reason to. But when things don't have an end to tie, it just becomes very difficult to end it in your mind!
There are moments in everybody's life that leave an impression and you can't avoid those moments. They are inevitable. One can just go with the flow and do what those moment intend you to. And that's what went with me. Over the last two years I have met and talked to people I never thought I would and I am glad I did. I became less dependent. Being a girl who wouldn't have lunch alone, I actually went to Pizza place and had a whole meal all by myself and not just once but over and over again. Went alone to a mall and spend hours at a book store there! Oh boy, I did learn to love solitude. I became addicted to my evening walks to Costa Coffee.
Over the year of mourning I realised how the little things back in school were all signs that I should back off from my never ending efforts to keep the strand bonded. The times when my calls were not returned or texts went not replied to. The times when I wasn't as part of a gig or the jokes born at times when I wasn't around. The secrets everyone knew except me and the rumours I was never aware of. Being the last person to know things only when they ended.
Not many people know how little acts of care and concern can be a warm light in the cold darkness. The calls asking about life in a new city, how do the roomies treat, what the college is like and just the basics. But they make one feel being cared about. And this feeling is absolutely ecstatic. I was there to make people feel so, but why didn't I get such calls from the same people? Did they not care or was I just being a snob? These questions can never be answered by anyone except the ones who chose to isolate me. But since they are isolated I can't really go about asking them.
Birthday means a lot to a person. Specially if that person is me. Okay, I wasn't the first one to wish but I wasn't the last one too! I wish I could make the world realise how these small little things can decide what a person is for me! Not the major deals but just small acts of affection is all one needs.
Such endless things are still buried in me which I tend to dig with my introspections every now and then ending up crying like it wasn't long ago. I still wonder where did I go wrong and how wrong was I in wanting things to sort out for a whole year? Someone still says that maybe things will be back to what they were, you just need to give it a little time and I say it can't be. I am tired and wouldn't wanna go through all that all over again just to get thrashed at the end of it all. But secretly don't I wish to have lived the life of that stupid girl who was blindfolded but still illusional about being happy. Deceived but not disappointed, stupid but not solitude loving and much more. But it is something irreparable that happened. The damage is done and there is nothing that can be done about the damage.
I live with it comforting myself with the thought that if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have had so many friends I have now. I might have lost some on the way but some way nicer crossed my path. So that makes me thankful to that person who made events run their course and teach me the hard way.
