I write. But I never realised that I write only when I am not exactly in my normal state of emotions. I guess that's why all the great writers who came up with classics were either depressed, opium addicts or plain insane. I might just turn out to be a retard. Definitely not one of those who need rehab. Now, what has been my muse all along? People? Situations? Life? Mould it all in one. It's been life affected by people who were under the influence of certain situations.
Some people have a problem because they are anti social and don't know how to retaliate other's care and emotional attachments. My problem, on the other hand is quite the opposite. Being too social is what works as a negative here. Giving all I can to make sure that they know I care and love them. Expecting them to do the same? Not really. But definitely expecting something. What really does happen at the end? They love me, respect me. But I am probably 'too good' for them! And that's not even sarcastic! How does one beat that?
Thinking I was a part of their lives when I was a part of it is another illusion I entertain myself with. Later realising that 6 years of friendship with a person who ended up as a complete jerk mattered more than a friendship of 10 years. Because I didn't end it badly enough for them to remember? Rather I was subtle enough to exit without being noticed. And still. I fall for it every freaking time. Don't I? They say, "What goes around, comes back around". It sure does. Everybody came around. And I was still the same as if waiting for them to realise the long due importance I always wanted. And? And what? They left again. Everytime. Everyone.
Realisation. Introspection. Conclusion? Still trying to find a closure. Trying to get over it. But just when it all seems not to bother anymore, comes along a breeze of past demolishing the delicate hopes. Not just the past. The present can do damage too. It does. Just when you thought you could abstain from getting attached, you fall for the words. Oh, how convincing someone's words can be. Though, knowing not the genuine feelings involved, you fall for it. Yes, 'fall'! And then what follows is completely alien to you. You have no idea whether to put in efforts, or would it end the same disastrous way it did once just because you smothered the other. What if you are expected to do your bit? And you don't? In any scenario it's a lost situation because of one person who made you lose utter faith in the whole concept of depending on someone to listen to you or be there for you.
Truth to be told, my life is supposed to eventful at the moment but I have no idea what is happening. But yes, it can never ever be as eventful as others have lived their lives to be.
